What would you tell your 10 year older self?

I recently read an article in Self magazine by a girl who is 29 found a letter she had written to herself 12 years earlier.  A high school project had her write a letter to herself to be opened 10 years later on who we wished to be and what advice to give ourselves.  Her letter stated:  "I know are you are going to be reading this 10 years from now...I am so insecure with myself...I hope 10 years from now I am really proud of myself, because I am not proud of myself now...Love yourself, respect yourself, stand up for yourself and don't let people push you around because I let people do it to me now.  Please, please, I hope I am secure and self-assured 10 years from now."  She then goes on to say that she is in the same spot she was 12 years ago when she wrote it...

Sadly I felt like I could truly connect with the author.  However, I think I was more self-assured at 17 then I am now.  Not by much, but definitely more than I am now.  Why?  What happened?  At least I thought I knew what I wanted to do when I was younger.  I remember saying in high school how I wanted to be a guidance counselor.  But I remember back in my day you had to teach before being able to become a guidance counselor.  So I slowly moved away from that.  In college I went on to major in psychology, because it interested me, and was a major where you didn't have to do a lot of public speaking (I hated public speaking.  Still not the biggest fan, but at least I can fake it much better now.).  I remember this one course I had my senior year, some sort of career preparedness class and the professor asking me what I planned on doing after graduation, and I remember saying "human resources assistant".  Now ten years later I look back and say why didn't I follow either of those two things?  I could have done a school counseling degree instead of attempting higher education administration, but no.  And in my daily job search what I am I looking up, positions in human resources.

I just feel like I am more lost then ever, sad and empty.  Somehow I keep getting these jobs that are extremely technical in nature.  The newest one is nothing but testing, troubleshooting, and dealing with problems with the student information system.  Some people love that....I am not one of those people.  I have gone so far in a different direction then I wanted to go.  I honestly don't know how to get back on track.  I want to somewhat enjoy what I am doing, or at least not have to lose sleep on how to do it.

So what would I tell my my 10 year older self right now?  Well right at this moment, I would tell her that so far being in your 30's sucks.  Everyone says you find yourself in your 30's.  Nope, not I, I have gone down a path more lost then ever.  Now is the time you should know what you want and get better at it.  Settle down and start that family (many have already started that years ago).  I am so far behind in so many things.  Am I ever going to get ahead?

Distracted

These last few weeks I have been more distracted than ever.  I can't concentrate for the life of me. I will think of something such as "I need to look this up", go to the computer and be like what was it I was supposed to do? or "Let me get this" and go into the other room and wonder what it was I was to get.  I find different things to distract me as well, such as the infamous "words with friends" which they even mock as a distraction in the video I have posted below.  Between voluntary and involuntary distractions, I can't concentrate on a darn thing.  Days I DO have some time (like today which I took off) I seem to waste the day away.  I did do some cleaning before this, but don't want it to be 6 o'clock before I know (the time I would be getting off of work today).  I feel like life is just slipping me by and I can't seem to grasp it to take control.

And another one bites the dust

So another one of my coworkers has given her notice.  Since I have been there the course of 16 months, four professional staff have either gone to other offices or have left the college, and 2 support staff have left either requesting another department, or leaving the place entirely.

We have hired 3 new professional staff within the last month.  The one that I worked with closely when he started told me this is not what he was expecting and thought he might not actually come back the second day.  One of the other new counselors I overheard her in the break room with her fiancee saying she has applied to positions at other places already.

When my commiserating buddy told me she was giving her notice I was devastated, but not surprised.  She hated it as much as I do from the moment she got here.  She would tell me how much she would dread coming to work, how as soon as she got to work she would just wish for the day to end...the exact way I feel.  That is not a way to live.

I recently have received a promotion and an office, which many would think would remedy the situation.  It has just caused me added responsibilities of being the technical person of the office (of which I am not that technical).  I am not running a system that we barely received any training on, and now I have to create workflows a basically create all means of communications coming out of our office.  If this happens, this will trigger that email, however if this happens, they get another email instead...all automated...and to ensure they receive the correct email.  I got the basics down, but the stuff that is coming my way, is VERY advanced.  Way over my skill set.  I am feeling even more uncomfortable that I have in the past.

I want to be happy.  Life is too short to spend a majority of your day wishing it was over.  There has to be happiness out there for me somewhere.  I keep chasing happiness and keep ending up in worse situation than I was in before.  It is pretty hard to explain on interviews, that you make one bad choice after another.  I guess I have to suck it up for now...but seeing the track record of the office and the length of how long people actually stay reassures me that it ISN'T me...but unfortunately doesn't help my overall being.

Hits so close to home...Not sure to laugh or cry...

A few weeks ago I came across this parody video/song to the song We Are Young by Fun.  This was right around the time I have been very reflective of my life and where I am at right now.  I don't know if it is because my 15 year high school reunion is this summer, just seeing the move American Reunion (which they are around my age going back to their reunion, and playing a lot of the music I loved in the 90's, and despite it being an American...Movie, it was somewhat relateable), or what, but I definitely in this weird place.  Many people have said your 30's are so much better than your 20's.  If you were to ask me today, I would say I would take my 20's over being 30 something any day (well except possibly 25...I think I had my quarter life crisis at 25, at least on my birthday I remember).  Granted I was lost in my 20's also, but I was in my 20's and thought it was ok.  And I was ok with it for the most part.  I still had fun, was much more carefree.  But now, I am still lost, and well, in your 30's it is a little harder to still be lost.  We're Not Young.  I don't have time to be lost.  There are decisions to be made...to have kids or to not have kids, settling and staying at a job I actually like and respect...  And when I heard this song, I laughed, but I also kind of choked up, as it kind of hit home...and how I feel right now...and how I have been feeling.  Based on this song, it does seem like other people my age are feeling the same way...I just wish I knew some of them.

The Balancing Act

I want to know how one does it?  Currently I don't have any children; It is just Jeff and myself; and also taking care of my mom a lot (she doesn't live with us, but I spend most weekends with her) and I don't get anything done.  I get home from work and I feel drained.  I try to get a room cleaned, Jeff makes dinner most of the time, I clean up and then we "try" to do some kind of exercise...lately we have been taking walks around our neighborhood when the weather is okay, and by the time we get back it is time for bed. But there is so much more still to do.  I don't know how people have time to make these meals from scratch, keep a very tidy house, and have kids on top of it.  I know we have a slight disadvantage of not having a lot of weekend time to ourselves, but still.  I guess having that weekend time to run errands, clean the house, make meals for the week is really crucial.  I just wish I had an extra day to get all the stuff done. But I guess if I had that extra day, I would still need an extra day.  I guess everyone could use that extra day.

When one door closes, does he open a window?

I have been pretty down and out lately.  I went from one job that I am treated like a child to another.  I don't know how the managers I have got into their positions.  None of them should be managerial positions.  I have been really hoping for a better opportunity to arise to get my a** out of this crummy situation.  Sadly not much has been going for me lately.  Every weekend I spend with my mom by bringing her to our house.  I love my mom and would do anything for her, but I have to be constantly "on" for her.  No sad face, no sighs, or she gets completely offended.  Last weekend she slammed the door in Jeff's face because he was putting the heat up for me in the middle of the night because I was complaining of being too cold.  The thermostat is near the door to our guest bedroom and he didn't put the lights on or anything.  I agree you shouldn't have your door slammed in your face in your own house.  Jeff mentioned this to my mom and she flipped a lid.  I dealt with crying and mood swings the rest of the day.  So I got that on one end, and a miserable job on the other.  I interviewed for a position at a school I thought would be a perfect fit.  The position would have been great, the commute even better, and it had the grad program I would have liked to pursued, but sadly after weeks of waiting I find out yesterday I didn't get the job.  I am not sure what God's plan for me is, but I wish it involved some happiness.  I am praying a window will open with a better opportunity.  I know what I don't want, I don't want another position like I currently have or like the previous one before that.  I have been going backwards in my advancement.

You're on the air....

Have you ever called in on a radio station?  I used to a long time ago for music requests, etc. but the lines were always busy.  I haven't called a station lately, until just recently.  As I mention I listen to NJ 101.5 on the commute home from work.  On Friday's, on my way to pick up my mom to bring her back to our house on the weekends, the Jersey Guys do a music contest during the 6 o'clock hour.  The last few weeks they have been drawing from Casey's iPod, and sadly, we have similar music tastes.   I was thinking the last few weeks, let me try to call in and see if I can win some loot.  Two weeks ago I tried endlessly calling but constantly getting a busy signal (I don't remember what they were giving away, but that could have been the reason).  Sometimes they give concert tickets, other times giftcards.  This past week they were giving away "dinner and a movie".  It was tickets for the NJ opening of "The Soprano State"; a documentary on the state's corruption from the "third" Jersey Guy, Bob Ingle.  Also a $25 gift card to Sonic Drivein.  I diligently called over and over again until I got the ringing sound on the other end of the phone.  I wasn't sure what to say when they picked up.  But on the other end was NJ101.5.  I was like "This is KIM from ******!!!!!"  I think I was so excited to get through.  I had my radio down which I knew to do since if you have the radio on in the background it messes with the call.  They asked me my age and put me on hold.  There was a lot of talking going on.  I wasn't sure if they were talking to me, or if it was just background noise.  It seems like they were practicing playing songs for me to guess, but i couldn't hear very well at all.  It was all very muffled.  I was getting nervous because what if it sounded like that if I got on air and I couldn't hear.  I would make a total a** of myself on radio.  All I could hear was don't let them give you a hard time.   Then all of a sudden what is on the radio is what I am listening to on the phone.  Which was a relief because I was wondering, if I can't listen to the radio, how the heck will I know what is going on!?

All of a sudden they come back from commercial and say lets go to Kim in ******.  I was like oh gosh, don't screw up.  After they asked me if I was ready to play, they played the song....it was an 80's song, and I have really gotten rusty when it comes to 80's music.  After hearing the first part of the song, they asked me if I knew it...and I heard it but I couldn't place it.  Then I was like something ecstasy???? (then I realize did I just say ecstasy on the radio???) and Casey was like no, but I like where you are going with this.....Casey is pretty much a jerk on the radio and I was a little intimidated as he pretty much ridicules anyone who calls.  He really coached me on trying to get the answer.  He was like what do you sometimes do when you sleep???? I said "DREAM!!" and he is like yes, lets go with that......and then what sometimes happens to those dreams....and well that didn't help me.  Then he is like, "ok, what happens if I were to throw something and it broke" and I was like SHATTERED!! SHATTERED DREAMS! and yes I finally got it!!! :)  Casey said he worked awfully hard for me to win.  But I did (I think the reason was they needed winners cause they want as many people as possible to this opening).  After they put me on with the prize people on the station where I gave my info and was told all the details about showing up for the movie that is today!

What sucks is that where I work, there are three people in my immediate department.  One of them has already called out being out this afternoon.  Which leaves two, and our department manager disapproves leaving only one person in the office (even though all three of us do different things).  And there were PLENTY of times when I first started when I was left by myself.  So suffice it to say, I am not sure when I will get to the movie tonight, as I would have liked to gotten there a lot earlier as they will be broadcasting their show at the theater from 2-7 before the movie premiere.  I would definitely think that would be fun, but of course this place hangs it's ugly cloud on me trying to do something fun and spontaneous.  I will give a review of the movie and happenings if I am able to get out of here on time.

Wishlist

Great song from Pearl Jam.  One that just popped into my head thinking of a blog topic.  I am not going to list a bunch of wishes, but I will focus on one...wishing that I was happy in what I do.  I know there are others who can relate to me.  I am envious of those who cannot.  I really should have known better that working in the physics department at an ivy league school would not be for me.  I feel so isolated.  There are staff that work there too, and some of them are very nice, but there are others who I feel like hold this big giant wall up.  It has felt very unwelcoming.  I like a work environment that has a culture of being a "team".  Here it is very much like if it doesn't fall under their realm they won't even deal with it.  I try to help as much as I can with what little I know even if it doesn't have to do with grad students.  I am tired of the if it doesn't pertain to me don't bother me aura that is oozing from here.  One of my previous jobs, whenever it was someones birthday we would go out for lunch.  If someone was getting married or having a baby, we would have a shower.  Or someone or myself would bake goodies and bring them into the office just because.  You didn't feel like you were a nuisance if you asked someone a question.  It was welcomed to come over and have a brief conversation to make the work day feel less like work.  I enjoy that open door feeling, and I do not get that here at all.   I am not looking to socialize, I know that is not what work is about.  But being friendly and having a friendly culture makes those 8 hours a day just a little more pleasant.

The other day I saw a job posting at a university close by that is KNOWN for its student centered focus.  I have always been drawn to this university.  I didn't know about it when looking for colleges for undergrad, but had I known about it I definitely would have considered it.  It is somewhat similar to my alma mater and being I don't think I would want to work at my alma mater and taint my experience working where I went to school, I would think this is the next best thing.  The position was for Assistant Director for Graduate Admission.  I was like YES!  It is a sign!  So I took my time to create a new cover letter instead of just changing a few words here and there of my current one.  I wanted to take the time on this as I thought this could be it.  I applied for it on Friday morning.  Later that day I wanted to check out the description one more time.  Well it seems they changed it to Transfer Admissions...which is fine, I wouldn't mind pursuing that either, but my cover letter was geared towards graduate admissions!  I emailed the director of graduate admissions to clarify the change I saw in the job description.  She in fact said yes there was an error and the job description had been changed.  I emailed her back saying I would still like to be considered for the Transfer position as I enjoy all aspects of admissions.  However once you apply for a position you cannot edit your application.  I asked if I could send her a new cover letter expressing my interest in the transfer position and she didn't write back this time.  Jeff says it was Friday afternoon don't look too much into it, but I do.  I miss the element of admissions. And for a minute I thought I would have an opportunity, but I have a feeling my app won't even be considered now.....here is wishing that I have the opportunity that I will be eventually happy with what I do....

Job Jumperoo

I don't want to be a job jumper.  I just can't find a job that is the right "fit".  At my last job our VP of Student Affairs was very big on "FIT".  He even conducted presentations on this.  Finding the right fit has proved to be more productive, happy, successful.  But how do you find that right fit?  This job I even told the hiring manager I was trying to find the right fit, and she convinced me this was the place.  She said it had everything I was looking for.  I believed this was more of a counseling role, somewhat similar to admissions but without having to do presentations, the travel, and instead of working with undergraduates, I would be working with graduate students.  However most of this job is data collecting, number crunching, accounting and troubleshooting.  Anytime there is a problem concerning a grad matter, I am the one to fix it, even if it is something the student should really do for them self.  If a student doesn't get paid for some reason, I have to hunt down why and fix it.  If a student hasn't heard back from the housing office, I have to look into it for him.  At the end of the day and even during the day I have that feeling that this is certainly not the right fit.  When will I find the right fit?  I am hoping my next move will be the right one and put me on the right path.

and 8 things I could do without

1. The headaches I get almost everyday.

2. Mean, insensitive, selfish, ignorant, rude people (only one of these has to apply.  All of the above then I really don't want to deal with you).

3. My cravings for all bad foods, sweets, chips, fast food, fried food, dough.

4. My intolerance to stupid people.  If I could tolerate them more I would be a much happier person (as there are a lot of stupid people to deal with).

5. The way I procrastinate.  I would make out a lot better without this burden of procrastination.

6. My need for perfection.  I know it is not going to be perfect, but I still yearn for it to be.

7. The extra 20 lbs. I am carrying around me.  (probably the effect of #3).

8. My lack of motivation at times.  I think I could combine this with #5.

10 things I am liking right now

1. Conan O'Brien's Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour and the awesome I'm with Coco T-shirt I got.  Even though it took us 5 hours to see him in Uncasville, CT it was well worth it.  At first I was not loving the beard Conan is now sporting, but by the end of the show I was totally digging it.  What a talented guy he is.  I felt like I was at a concert.  He played guitar and sang a lot of his skits.

2. Shark Navigator Vacuum.  I was going to do a review on it in a separate entry, but i figure this would be as good as place as any to review this awesome product.  We have been through several vacuums in the last couple of years.  No one should go through as many vacuums in a short amount of time as we have.  We have one cat who sheds a lot and her litter gets everywhere when she jumps out of her box.  If you saw the amount of fur she loses you would swear she had bald patches (she does not however, she is a very plush kitty).  Anyway, after having one vacuum that conked out on us and another that just pushed the debris around the floor, I did a lot of research and found the Shark Navigator to have some great reviews.  It is compared to the Dyson but half the price.  It is a very lightweight vacuum and the design of the cup that collects the dirt empties from the bottom so you don't have to touch a dirty cup at all.  Just press the button on the side and releases all the debris.  It switches from floors to carpet with a flick of a switch.  The attachments are amazing regarding picking up fur and hair from the furniture.  It is a great vacuum which makes me actually enjoy vacuuming!

3. That it is my favorite season....SUMMER.  I wish I could press pause and just bask in the time of year where things seem to be a little more light-hearted and not so hectic.  If I could live somewhere where it is summer all year I would do it in a heartbeat (provided I didn't have to worry about money or finding a new job).  Today is not exactly the picture perfect poster day of a summer day, but knowing there are days where I wear flip flops and a tank top and let the sun pour down on me.  Those are the days I long for.  And driving at dusk with the windows down, watching the sunset and turning the sky into a beautiful watercolor painting.

4. Marathon Grill in Philadelphia.  This was a place we stumbled across while my mom was in the hospital in Philly.  It has great ambiance (slightly industrial but intimate at the same time).  The food there was amazing.  I had this burger that was to die for.  I am not a big meat person, but based on the description of the burger: marathon burger 8oz.
Vermont cheddar, caramelized onions, apple wood smoked bacon,
homemade bbq sauce on brioche bun 11.
or choose up to three toppings:
swiss, sharp provolone, vermont cheddar, sautéed mushrooms,
caramelized onions, roasted peppers, homemade bbq sauce, spicy mayo,
blue cheese dressing, applewood smoked bacon.

I had it without the carmelized onions.  It was smokey and juicy and the cheese was just full of flavor.  One night I had the hand cut fries with it and I swear they where the best fries I have ever had.  They are also one of the few places to serve TeaNY teas.  TeaNY teas are made by Moby.  They are awesome.  I had white tea with pomegranate.  If you are in the Philly area make sure you put this on your list as a restaurant to eat at.

5. Decorating blogs.  I love perusing decorating blogs.  Since having a house now to decorate I feel somewhat decor challenged.  With the opportunities endless how to decorate it makes it so much harder. Picking the right paint color, the right window treatments, rugs, carpet, counter tops.  I guess there is no right or wrong but preference on taste.  I have always attempted something only to learn after the fact I don't like it and need to try something else.  Which is great in some things, but concerning household decor could become rather expensive.  Checking out The Nest I have found a lot of links to decorating blogs.  Some of my favorites are: Apartment Therapy (even though it is geared for apartment living, there are great ideas for small spaces and decorating), Young, House, Love, Better After, and The DIY Showoff.  These are all very helpful giving ideas for home decorating, organizing and giving new life to your space.

6. TV. I know not the most healthiest activities, but always a great way to "get away" for a little bit.  I love The Middle.  If you have not seen this show, you really have to give it a chance!  It is on ABC on Wednesday's with Patricia Heaton and Janitor from Scrubs (another one of my fav shows...RIP).  The whole ensemble of the cast is really incredible.  There is there youngest son Brick, who has a bit of a social awkwardness about him.  Whenever he is nervous he will whisper a word to himself {himself}.  This usually causes no harm until he is one of the last contestants left for the spelling bee.  He whispers the last letter to himself, which disqualifies him as the winner.  Then there is Sue who is the middle child who just seems to have everything go wrong, but still has the most upbeat spirit about her.  Finally there is Axl who is their teenage son who sounds like Napoleon Dynamite and never seems to wear clothes (only his underwear).  This is probably one of the few shows I pretty much try to see every episode of.  Also Being Erica.  This a dramedy on SoapNET.  Love this station for its reruns of Beverly Hills 90210, One Tree Hill, The OC.  Being Erica is a Canadian show that airs on this channel.  It is about a 30something who is single and still trying to find her place in the world.  She sees a therapist who gives a different dose of therapy.  Dr. Tom is able to send her back to her past to learn from her mistakes.  It is a show  that even though can't happen in real life, is a show you can relate to. 

7. My hair.  I recently got my haircut from this lady my coworker recommended to me.  I had just moved to this area and my old hairstylist is now about an hour away.  And that hasn't stopped me in the past to go the distance for a haircut, but i have decided, I am probably going to live here for a while, I might as well start finding services a little closer to home.  This lady that my coworker recommended actually comes to your house to cut and color your hair.   She is pretty reasonable as well.  I mean you are not getting the 5 star treatment of a luxury spa (you have to wash your hair yourself in the kitchen sink) but it is definitely a great cut and color for the price.  My hair has been very blah the past few years.  I haven't been very daring.  Getting a trim, long layers and that is about it.  I figured if I am going to experiment this is the lady to do it with (ok after reading this, could be taken out of context, but I am talking hair people!!!!)  So I told her I wanted something different.  I asked if bangs would be a good look, she said NO.  She hates bangs, loathes them.  Thinks people with small foreheads such as myself will drown in bangs.  Fine I say do something to spice up my hair.  Well she gave me very short side swept bangs (they are really bangs if you ask me). At first I thought what did i just agree to.  What have I done?  But a few days later, I am loving the bangs.  It softens up my look a lot. I feel they are fun and flirty.  Found my go to haircut!

8. That I am getting up earlier than I used to.  Trust me, I like my sleep, but I also like for the day to last longer (speaking more of the weekend days as opposed to weekdays).  I am finally feeling like an adult and getting up early on the weekends.  And it is nice to have been up for a few hours already accomplished a lot and for it to be only 11am.  I am very happy that is now coming more natural to me then it used to.

9. Freebies.  I love utilizing sites like Ebates, E-rewards, Swagbucks, MyPoints, My Coke Rewards, and getting gift cards for free from my credit cards.  And yes they are free to me since I always pay my balance off every month.  I am the customer credit card companies hate.  I love getting $50 gift cards to Target or to my favorite restaurant.  Ebates you get a rebate on stuff you buy online if you go through their site.  E-rewards are surveys sent to you where you accumulate E-reward money you can use towards free magazines, etc.  Swagbucks is a search engine where random things you search for may win you "SwagBucks" that you can redeem for gift cards or magazines.  MyPoints is an email you get daily and if you just click on it you get points.  After you accumulate a certain amount of points you can trade them in for gift cards.  And My Coke Rewards is collecting points on Coke products.  I always trade mine in for magazines as well.  I have fully researched all of these and all are completely legit.  I just recommend setting up a separate email account for stuff like this (even for other promotions on websites, etc.) for spam purposes.

10. Getting back in touch with people I have "lost" touch with.  I have found some people through facebook that I haven't spoken to since elementary school.  I had this really great friend in elementary school who moved away and I was so unhappy about it.  Back then we didn't have the tools we have today to keep in touch, so I never saw or heard from her again.  Well a few weeks ago I thought let me look her up on facebook.  I found her!  I sent her a message ( I always try to send a message to someone I "friend" on facebook, I feel it is more personal then just sending a friend request), and she wrote back about her life and everything.  It was so exciting to talk to her after all these years.  She doesn't live too far away and we plan on meeting up.  I would love that.  She too says she is looking for more "girl friends" to hang with.  She is a met fan I see but I think I can get over that :)  There has been a lot of my friends over the years I have gotten back in touch with and are closer now then ever.  I had reconnected with a few people at my high school reunion.  I really like connecting with people and broadening my circle of friends.