Muddle

This is the first word the popped into my head and I think it is a perfect descriptor of how I feel about a lot of things right now.  I started off today waking up with the ever dreaded "It's Monday already" feeling.  I felt like my head just hit the pillow and it was already time to get ready for the grind for the week.  This weekend was pretty much a blur of household chores and lots of driving.

As I get to work I have that feeling again.  What feeling you ask. That feeling of what am I doing with my life.  I am walking into work, in a physics department.  A lot of people I know are impressed of where I work.  Trust me, it is not all it is cracked up to be.  Especially in the building I work in.  This is a very ugly building, not depicting the rest of the Gothic architecture around the campus.  It is a big brick building with a lot of construction going on with it right now, making it even uglier looking.  It is probably one of the few buildings on campus that doesn't get the TLC treatment.  I have been told that someone left a Cheetos in the stairwell to see how long it would stay there for.  I was told it was there for 6 months before it disappeared.  And whose to say the cleaning staff took it away as later on someone also found a cockroach in that same stairwell.  I saw said cockroach (first cockroach I have ever seen).  There is filth and the floors and graffiti in the elevators.  The furniture in the building greatly reflects the respect and care the building receives.  1970's pleather chairs, metal school desks, globe light fixtures just to name a few.  It is not as glorious working here as people thinks it is.

So back to my thoughts what am I doing with my life.  Well I thought briefly do I see myself here for 26 years (like my predecessor) and I say HELL NO.  I can't see myself for several years (however I will probably have to stay here for a few for resume purposes unless some GREAT job falls into my lap).  So I think what do I want to do?  If I knew this I think  I would be a lot more content or at least have time to focus on other aspects of my life.  I have been giving my mom manicures while she has been in physical rehabilitation.  I must say I am quite impressed with my manicure skills. I am not too good on myself, but i definitely have technique to give a manicure to others.  I could definitely see myself enjoying doing something like that.  But then I think could I do the other services such as gel wraps, acrylics, etc.  I don't know.  Then I think hmmm, I have an almost completed master's degree in Higher Education Administration.  How am I to complete it?  There is a thesis component I need to complete in order to complete the degree.  I have lost my interest and passion and therefore cannot think of a possible thesis topic to explore.  This has given me great stress and has also handicapped me to explore other options.  With my experience being an admissions counselor I think I have a great deal of experience and knowledge base to be a guidance counselor.  This is something I actually always wanted to be (I didn't explore it initially in college because then New Jersey had the teaching requirement in addition to the schooling for this and I knew I could not be a teacher).  But this requirement has been lifted and now the only requirement is the Master's in Counseling.  Great! However all degree programs in the state of New Jersey require a final thesis project.  Well we know how that worked out for my degree I am in limbo on.  So what do I do?  This is where I am at.  The fear I have about being able to commit and get papers done and write a thesis is completely debilitating.  So for now, I will continue to walk up the steps to work and think every morning this is not what I wanted to do with my life....